I'm Writing To You
by TheLyricsAreMyStory
Summary: Carla's letters to people who have impacted her life. Leave suggestions x
1. Baby Girl

Baby girl,

I guess that's all I can address this to… We never got round to selecting names. Hayley, perhaps, in honour of the woman I loved so dearly, the woman who was my real mother, my sister, my best friend; the woman who showed me the definition of strength, who never gave up on me, no matter how much I lashed out. Maybe, if Peter had cared enough, we would have named you after Lucy; Simon's mother. I'm sure that would mean the world to him, both of them, but Simon in particular to have a little sister, someone who depended on him, someone who truly loved him. Then again, we could have gone with a completely different name, something that symbolised who you really were, who you were going to grow up to be.

But we never got the chance… _I_ never got the chance, because now you're gone.

I don't blame you; I would have done the same, if I could, all those years ago. To prevent myself all the pain and suffering I was brought up to believe was the essence of life. The torture, the screaming, and the nights I stayed up with my hands fastened over my ears, penetrating them in order to block out the horror that unravelled outside my bedroom door. The knife I had instead of a mobile phone, the sleeping pills I had instead of fruit sweets, the car crash I had instead of a family.

You would not have endured that. I would have kept you safe, cared for you, protected you and loved you. You would have heard lullabies instead of smashing glass, the scent of home rather than damp, toxic, emptiness. I would have let you grab my finger over and over, wrap your tiny hand around my thumb, for as long as you needed in order to feel secure. You could have played with my hair, tipped your dinner on the floor and cried until the pain had dissipated from your mind. Unlike I ever could. I would have held you, I would have never given up on you, that is something I can promise.

I suppose I was right all along; being a mother wasn't in my nature, which had been something inflicted on me since day one. I hadn't expected it, it was the most fearful I had ever been when I found out; losing my figure, night feeds, excruciating pain, eighteen years of dependence, stretch marks, tears, fights, unknowing. But none of that mattered; you were worth all of that and so much more. I felt you grow inside of me and I thought 'I can do this'… 'I can be a mother'. I believed it, soon enough the idea became real to me and as scary as it was, it was the most beautiful gift I had ever received.

You were part of me; half me, half the love of my life. We could have done it without him, you know? Just the two of us, supporting each other through the pain and the laughter. At the end of it all, we didn't need anyone else but ourselves, just the bond that we had already built together, in the short time that you grew inside me.

I wish I could have kept you safe. I wish I had shown you sooner how much you meant to me. I wish I could one day hold you in my arms, watching you grow before my eyes.

But for now, we are parted, because life is a test of our strength, a battle of wills, we both know that. One day I will see you again, but until then, know that I will always love you.

Forever and always,

Mummy xx

* * *

 _ **So I'm thinking of doing a fanfiction full of diary accounts or letters like this. So give me some suggestions of people Carla can write to, they can be deceased or alive and I'll try and write them up as soon as possible.**_

 _ **Sorry for the heartbreak in this, I hope you liked it! Leave a review xx**_


	2. Peter

Peter,

The name I used to doodle on post-it's in the factory, the word I used to call out with so much love, the name that made my heart skip a beat every time it was mentioned.

But now all I feel is hurt and confusion and hatred.

Until now, the only thing that ever made me feel this way, was the rape. I had never felt so dirty and used, by a man I knew so little about and yet so much. I could never erase the sensation of his cold fingers against my skin, his tight, forceful grip on my arms. It left me so empty, so torn and so vulnerable. To the extent that I couldn't trust another person again. I was forever in fear of betrayal. Except for you.

You made me promises, you told me that I could trust you, put my faith in you. I opened up to you, I let the mask slip in front of you. Forget that, I let the mask shatter into millions of pieces. I taught you about my past, my terrifyingly dark and deceiving past. The past which no one would ever understand, or believe. But you did. At least I thought you did.

So where have all these empty promises gone? The assurance that you would protect me no matter what? The certainty that we could last forever? The talk of the future, our children, the children I never wanted until I met you?

You robbed me of that trust, you built the walls around me, securing me, before knocking them straight back down. Leaving me more vulnerable and alone than I have ever been. Why do it Peter? Why pretend you loved me so much? You could have stayed with Leanne, lived happily ever after, not trailed me along with her, as a bit on the side, as your second relationship. Then, when you firmly assured me that nothing would ever happen between us, when I finally got over you, you come crawling back to me. Declaring your love for me, making me weak again, playing with my gullibility until it made you as strong as you could be.

The future we spoke about was nothing but a deluded dream. The years we envisioned together lasted nothing but a second, in proportion to what you made me believe in.

You didn't hurt me enough last time, so instead you decided to play again and I fell for it. I fell into the harsh embrace of your arms, thinking I was safe there, but discovering that actually it was toxic. You were toxic. Unfortunately Tina couldn't see that. She was a stupid little girl just like me, who couldn't see through you.

After all this time, I've meant nothing. After all the promises, that were empty words. I feel disgusted in myself for ever believing you. I feel so used and broken. Left with nothing but pieces of lost hope.

I miss you. That will never change. It takes everything to not crumble every time I see you walk past me. Every time I turn to see your face. I don't fall in love easily, but when I do, I fall fast.

And I will never stop loving you Peter. I hope you know that. I hope you know how much you have taken from me, how much pain I feel in this second.

But most importantly, I hope you'll be happy, because as much as I hate you for it. It's better for one person to be happy, than neither of us.

Carla.

* * *

 _ **This wasn't a request but I wanted to do this as a release for my emotions right now. Hope you like it and again, review and suggestions you might have and thanks to those who already have xx**_


	3. Nick

Nicky,

Please don't cry when you see this lying on my dressing table. You know how I hate to see you cry, it makes my heart break and I can't stand for any more of that.

I'm doing this to save you, because it's best off that way. I know you won't believe it now, neither can I, but I cannot let you marry into something as damaged and destructive as my life. You have so much potential, you could have everything but instead you chose me and for that I am eternally grateful.

These last few months, you have taught me what it means to be happy. After all the hurt I have suffered in the past, you have saved me, you have energised me with life again. Laughter; something I used to find a struggle but now is just a natural talent. I have never felt this way about anyone else, not Peter, not Liam. You have shown me what it means to be loved.

Remember our first kiss? Our first proper kiss. Not the drunken one after wine tasting, or the peck in the street to wind up Sarah... The one that we had after Erica's party. Where we felt drawn to one another. We blamed the drink but we both knew that wasn't true. You made me feel alive that day; when all was crumbling around me, you made me feel existent. You tasted like wine and summer air, you smiled at me afterwards as if to say 'why did this have to end?'

It didn't, not then. But it does now. Now that the truth about me and Robert is out, I'm such a mess after finding out that Johnny was my dad. I know exactly what you will say; 'we can pull through this'. Maybe so, in fact, I would never disbelieve a word that came out your mouth. But I'm setting you free and one day you will thank me for that.

It's going to hurt. It's hurting me as I write you this letter, because I hate inflicting pain on you, as many times as I have done. But remember this; 'regrets are pointless' you tell me that all the time. So allow yourself to move on, allow yourself to excel in your career and relationships. You deserve the world Nick, and I promise you, you will get it.

Love you always,

Carla x

* * *

 _ **Requested by Kirsty and Glitteredeyes. Next on the list is Liam and then I will do the other suggestions. Keep sending them in and leave a review!xx**_


	4. Liam

Liam,

Today is the 17th October 2009.

It's been a year since my world fell apart.

I've spent months in LA, trying to get my head straight, trying to convince myself there was a way to get you back. To be able to hold you again. Feel your lips against mine. Feel your hands entwined with my fingers. Feel your breath, warm as you kiss my neck.

I would give my life to be with you for just one more day, Liam.

My biggest regret was never believing you. I know that it would have been a mistake to fall in love with not only you, but your promises as well. But if I had been a selfish cow, if at that point instead of all the others I had been the bitch that I am, I could have said 'yes, let's do it, let's run away together'.

We would have got nothing but an empty bag of clothes into our journey before it all fell apart. Like it always did for us. As soon as you found out Maria was pregnant again, that would have been it, back to her for the pretences, back to me for the real thing.

But even though it would have hurt me, as it did every time, at least you would be safe from harm. Tony's plan wouldn't have worked out. I could have at least protected you from your fate. Just like you protected me all those years back...

That day when we were tipsy at the quarry. I was only fourteen but mam never cared. I used to teeter so close to the edge, close my eyes, feel the force pulling me forwards as the wind channeled through my hair. But just when I thought perhaps I would be better off that way, I felt your arms around my waist. Guiding me, securing me, ensuring that nothing ever happened to me. You would pull me back from the edge every time and then look into my eyes, glistening with tears, softly caressing my cheek with your ink stained thumb. You never had to say anything, you just had to look at me, it was enough to show myself that I had something to live for, someone who cared about me, someone who would give anything to save me.

A few days after Paul died; we were cleaning out my flat, sorting through his things. I broke down over the idea of putting the coffee machine in his coffin when you found his cuff links. But you didn't have to say anything to comfort me. You just held out your arms and pulled me in, letting me cry as you always did. Even when to everyone else I was strong, you let me be weak. I wasn't afraid to be weak in front of you.

I am travelling home tomorrow, to Weatherfield. It's going to be a shock, going back there. Tony had told me to meet him by your grave stone. Of all the places; the wicked man. But I know that before I step foot on the cobbles, the first thing I must do is be with you again. So I will spend the morning just sat by your side, reading you this letter, laughing and crying about times that have passed.

I will never forget you Liam. You are the love of my life, as complicated and misshapen as it may be. We hated each other, but that made our love stronger. The times when you would just hold me, kiss my hair, whisper into my skin and I knew that we just fit. We always have, right back to when we were kids. Jealousy is a cruel trait, one that I learnt from you, one that Tony learnt from me. But our love will forever override that. I will never stop loving you, that's something I can promise.

I miss you. I will always miss you,

Carla xxx


	5. Frank

Frank,

There; I said it. I actually brought myself to write your name.

What's it like down there? Burning, twisting flames. Are you happy now? Are you satisfied? Was it worth it?

I thought you were such a lovely man; caring, gentle, genuine.

Oh how wrong I was, how naive. I despise you, I despise myself. I despise the both of us, allowing myself to leave you with the memories of my weakness. Allowing you to completely overpower me, control me. Not just that night, but every single day leading up to it. You manipulated me, tortured me, emotionally brainwashed me. You made me trust you, when I didn't think I could trust anyone again. For that I will never, ever forgive you.

I still have nightmares; I toss and turn in my sleep, writhe in the filth that I became. I see your face. I hear your voice. It horrifies me. I wake up, shaking, crying, to the extent that Nick won't sleep again until morning. He has to hold me, console me, but you see, he wants to protect me. That's called 'love', Frank. Something you never encountered in your brief but cruel time on Earth.

I hate you. I will always hate you. With every inch of my soul. You have ruined me, destroyed me and because of that I will never fully be able to be happy again. I will forever be looking over my shoulder. I will forever have flashbacks when I'm pushed up against a wall. I will forever feel your fingers on my flesh. I will forever see your face when I'm kissing anyone else. I will forever feel your harsh grip on my arms. I will forever be shaken, the way you shook me. I will forever hear your voice, taunting, teasing, manipulating. I will forever be afraid to sleep with anyone. I will forever be disabled to gain someone's trust. I will forever live in regret, and fear and self-hatred.

All because of you.

So I hope you're happy and I hope you feel you lived your life to the full.

Because now you will never have a second chance. You will never be able to erase the scars you've inflicted upon me.

I hope you're in as much pain as you possibly can be. I hope it hurt when she smacked you round the head with that glass bottle. My glass bottle. A present from me, for all the gifts you offered in return.

Because maybe that way, you can feel the slightest bit of pain and hurt that I have to live with, every day, for the rest of my life.

Carla.

* * *

 _ **Requested by a guest but I hope you like it, whoever you are;) This was hard to write so something a bit more cheery is coming next in this sequence! Leave a review?xx**_


	6. Chelle

Chelle,

Where do I start?

You are the only one who's stuck by me, all the way through, right from the beginning. For that I can never thank you enough.

So I'm gonna go for a trip down memory lane, right back to when we were living on the estate. Davie Tuttle stole your doll and I chased after him in order to get it back. Do you remember what you said to me that day? On the school playground, with tears coating your cheeks? "I've never had a friend like you". I took that as a compliment, I hope it was supposed to be, because I'm saying it right back to you now Michelle; I've never had a friend like you.

When you got pregnant with Alex, things got tough. Despite the fact that at this point, we didn't know that he was your real son. You thought you were carrying Ryan and I will always argue that you were. Because he was your son. He was the one I held in my arms the day I turned up at the hospital, school uniform ink-stained, dirty and worn. I cried. Me. Carla Connor. Crying as she held a newborn baby in her arms. Most likely because I just skipped my exam to come and visit you once I got the text, I knew I would be in serious trouble with Mr Tippins, but still, let's leave it up to the fact that he was my nephew, even before I was married to Paul.

You were my bridesmaid on my wedding day, so excited that I was going to be a proper member of your family at last. We would share the same surname, we would be sisters-in-law, granted, Helen and Barry weren't thrilled by it but still, it meant a lot to us. Afterwards you stood up and made that speech, about how long you had known me, about how you knew me and Paul had been 'destined' to get together. Liam sat there awkwardly, but no one noticed because you started to sing your song for us, filling the room with your beautiful voice.

I was scared when we moved to Weatherfield, it was the fear of the unknown. I was moving away from all I had ever experienced, the most cruel of all surroundings I could have grown up in. But it was home, it was you who pulled me through that, made me feel safe and accepted into your family there.

Paul died. We stuck together.

Liam died. We stuck together.

We had our arguments; that day you found out I knew about Liam's death, we had a huge row outside the factory, your eyes were livid and I knew I had betrayed you. It hurt. It honestly broke me to think I had made you that angry. I hate seeing you upset more than anyone else.

But when you came to work at the factory, we pulled together again. I put every faith in you and you saved my business, my pride and joy from hitting rock bottom. If it wasn't for you, it would be long gone, as would I.

You're still my best friend, you always will be. You mean everything to me Chelle and it doesn't get stressed enough. You're the only person who knows my story and has lived it with me. Not only that, but it's because of you that I am still here today, that's something I can assure anyone. You always know how to fix me when I'm shattered. I know every tear you cry, every emotion from your laughter, every meaning behind your smile.

I love you like a sister, no matter what happens. You will always mean the world to me and that will never, ever change.

Forever,

Carla xxx

* * *

 _ **Thanks for reading, leave a review if possible! I have a few more requests so have to decide which to do next such as; Tracy, Hayley, Roy, Rob and Sharon so let me know what people would like next!xx**_


End file.
